Dear Pharmaceutical Corporations

(And in “Pharmaceutical Corporations,” please include those “independent” research entities whose funding channels all the way back to pharmaceutical corporation sources by whatever means.)

Now that the FDA has officially clarified that you can market a product as a “treatment” for alcoholism without bothering about achieving sobriety, we’ve obviously reached an important milestone.

So, let’s define the next task:  We need you to create a product that will “cure” alcoholism.

In order to do that, we should define what this “cure” will look like, right?  So, let’s get started. We need a pill that will fulfill all of the following conditions:

  • First, and most important, it won’t kill the buzz. In fact, it’ll restore the buzz. That is, we’ll be able to enjoy drinking the way we did, back in the beginning, when it made us feel happy, funny, intelligent, sociable, warm, and brilliant. Because that’s how ‘normal’ people drink, right? People without alcoholism. So a cure will guarantee this.
  • Second, it will allow us to drink with that “normal” buzz wherever and whenever we want, without it being inappropriate or a bad decision or otherwise disastrous. Not sure whether that involves changing the whole ‘want’ thing, or assuring our ability to assess when it’s a bad idea and make a painless sort of self-control automatically kick in. You work it out.
  • Third, our “normal” buzz will never, ever proceed beyond that state– that is, we’ll be able to maintain that feeling for as long as we want, and either not feel the need for another drink to maintain it, or not be negatively affected by more drinks. That is, no hangovers, blackouts, etcetera, right? Good.
  • Fourth, the effects of alcohol in our system will be entirely transitory and benign– they won’t accumulate and we won’t experience liver damage, heart and/or circulatory problems, increased risk of cancer and other diseases.
  • Finally, this miracle cure pill’s secondary effects will render us immune, or invulnerable, to criticism, consequences, and other disagreeable external responses to our drinking. All we’ll have to do is let people know that our alcoholism is being “cured” by your pill, and they’ll all shut up and go away.

We’d also like no nasty side effects. Well, at least no worse side effects than the fast voice-over bits at the end of all the other miracle pill television ads promise.

Please get back to us as soon as you’ve perfected this cure. We can promise you massive profits, guaranteed.

Sincerely,

The Easier Softer Way Steering Committee of the World’s Longest-Running, Largest Research Project Ever